So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
