The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
