I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
