he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
