I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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