Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
