I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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