Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
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you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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