I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
