Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
