I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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