Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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