I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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