I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
