Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
