He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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