hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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