Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
