I wanna passion pit in your ass
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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