I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
