I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
