I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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