Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
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We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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