Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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