I think I won the penis lottery.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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