just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
