I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
