i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
