Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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