So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
pray to the hookup gods
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
