two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Everyone says I win the strip club
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
