it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I need moral support for this bender
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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