god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
