next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
