if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
