Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
