I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize