One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
