I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
