dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
