when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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