In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Randomize
