I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
