as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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