remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
