I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
