You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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