so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
