So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
