I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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