my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
