the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
