Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
