Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
