dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
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