Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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