I used to practice getting hit by cars.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
